November Caregiving Report - 2023 12 09


Caregiving time distribution, November 2023

My story of family caregiving is not unusual. In fact, it is possibly better than average because my Mom is such a kind, generous and gracious person. That does not change the fact that it is unsustainable. 

For the month of November I contributed over 500 hours of caregiving, including providing room and board, as well as Power of Attorney, Medical Representative and Mom's finances.

It begs the question. How is my family supposed to contribute this much time, property, expertise, responsibility and administration without additional operational cost accounting? How am I expected to carry on life as if there were no cost to me personally, professionally, mentally and emotionally?

As I look back on 2023 and what we have accomplished, I am proud of the work we have done to keep our frail elder at home, healthy, happy, contemplating the end of her life with dignity and composure.

As I look ahead at 2024, I feel overwhelmed, dreadful, guilty and ashamed. How can we do this another year? How can I do this another year? How are we going to get the property taxes and house insurance paid this year? How can I generate cashflow and look after Mom at the same time? Are we going to lose our house? If I don't do this and Mom goes into an institution, how long will she live after that? How safe will she be? Will anyone care if she needs help on the toilet or with her cleanup?

At the end of 2023 I was feeling confident, "I can handle this." But now, exhausted after the Christmas break, I am feeling anything but confident, "I can't handle this." 

I don't want anyone to know how much difficulty I am in. I don't have anyone I feel I can trust to talk about the thoughts and feelings I am having. I don't want anyone to know we are having to borrow against the equity in our house to manage month to month. I don't want to have to sell our house after Mom is gone because we cannot manage the debt payments.

A couple of days ago I went grocery shopping. Nothing fancy, just replenishing essentials. The groceries cost $145 and I was able to wheel them all home in my shopping cart. It wasn't long ago that spending that much on groceries required a car and several boxes to carry everything home.

How is this supposed to work? Am I missing something?

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