Adjusting - 2024 12 15

 


At present I have been on the verge of overwhelm and depression sorting out what goes where and how we are going to re-organize our functional household now that Mom is gone. It feels like I have been moving, sorting and re-organizing all year. Just trying to establish a new normal. 

It is a shock to lose Mom. No matter how hard I tried to be prepared for her leave-taking, I only found out after how unprepared I was. 

There are several categories of work that need attention after family caregiving ends. 

Death Administration - this is the work of closing accounts, sending notifications to government, funeral arrangements, will execution, processing personal effects, communicating with family and friends. We were as well prepared as we could be - we had made arrangements for Mom's will, her financial administration and her medical administration. She didn't have much, her entire worldly possessions fit in her bedroom and beside her reclining chair.

Caregiving Administration - this is the work of returning equipment, donating unused medical supplies, returning unused prescription medications. This was not too difficult once we figured out what had to go where. It was a relief to know we could donate unused supplies for toileting to Home Support so another family could have some help to offset that expense. For now we are keeping the medical equipment we purchased - wheelchair, walker, commode, bedside table, cane - we don't know when someone else in the family may need these things and they are expensive to replace.

Facilities Administration - this is the work of converting the space that was dedicated to family caregiving for new functionality. In our case, Mom occupied our basement suite. This is a 940 sq ft two bedroom suite. Mom had one of the bedrooms. The other bedroom was for overnight caregiver, Mom could not be left unattended at night. This is the work that I was not prepared for. We had no two month or even one month notification that Mom would be leaving us. She was there one day, needing everything we had to accommodate her care, and then she was gone. 

I was in the basement the majority of Mom's caregiving time, so I set up work spaces so I could get things done while I was looking after Mom. I slept in the spare room and kept a collection of clothes for sleeping and day wear. The basement kitchen became the main production kitchen of the house. The upstairs kitchen was used for beverages and snacks, main meals were prepared in the basement kitchen. I converted the living room area in the basement into a functional research desk, art-making counter and music recording desk. 

At the same time, when there were visitors for respite care, I would vacate the basement and work upstairs. I set up auxiliary work spaces for music, research and art on the main floor and upstairs floor. So I had two art desks, two research desks with extra monitors, and two music work spaces, for practicing, recording and playing family, friends and neighbours. 

Every once in a while we would have extra family come to stay to visit Mom and help look after her. I would have to give up one of my work rooms upstairs to provide accommodation for these visitors. I didn't want to lose momentum on my art projects, so I set up a third auxiliary workspace in the attic. It could only be used in fair weather (not too hot, not too cold). 

All of this infrastructure was built out on an ad hoc basis. Once I accepted that Mom was not going to be leaving us in the next six months (after two and a half years of re-signing the Palliative Registry every six months), I started to figure out how to make our living space workable as a long-term care facility and as a home-based multi-use workspace. This adaptation entailed setting up duplicate (and triplicate) workspaces so I didn't have to carry too many things from one desk to another when the opportunity opened up to get some work done.

Now that Mom is gone, we are a fast-track to get her suite ready for furnished short-stay rentals. This is the one path we have to replace lost income and replenish depleted lines of credit after three years of family caregiving.

Financial Administration - This is the work of re-organizing our household function and finances in the aftermath of Mom's departure. One month she was contributing to our household finances to support her care, and then she was not. For years she needed my caregiving time in excess of 500 hours a month, and then, she didn't need that time anymore. I am in the process of re-configuring our household cashflow in light of two realities: 1) Mom is no longer contributing to the monthly cashflow; 2) Although I worked hard to develop supplementary cash flow while I was looking after Mom, the fact is that I retired my consulting business and it takes time to develop a home-based business for art and music projects.

Mom left us without notice, so we have had to assume the cost of replacing her contribution to the household as quickly as we can. At the same time, our resources have been stretched to the limit during our time providing family caregiving for Mom. I don't know yet if I have to go back to our mortgage lender and increase our line of credit against our home equity. 

Our plan is to reverse our negative cashflow by investing in our basement suite to rent for furnished short-stay, that involves purchases to refurbish wear and tear from Mom's time in the suite. We also have to support ourselves while we get this work done - a couple of months of work to get it together.

We didn't know we were in the last year of Mom's life. We didn't know we were in the last six months of Mom's life. We didn't know we were in the last month of Mom's life. We didn't know we were in the last week of Mom's life. We didn't know we were in the last day of Mom's life. Until that was what it was.

We are adjusting. 

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